It's Just Emotions, Taking Me Over...
Shoutout to the great group that is or was Destiny's Child *bows in reverence*.
"The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it..." - Nicholas Sparks
It's 11 p.m. and I should probably be asleep, but instead I'm up... doing what I've avoided for two months now. Us humans are amazing, and crazy at the same time. We tend to subconsciously avoid the things that heal us, and the things that stir our souls. Me being the observant person that I am, I see it in others, but it takes a minute for me to see it in myself. This blog was created to serve not only as my personal outlet but also a way for me to share my heart with you all.
So anyway. After work today (and it may be yesterday by the time I finish this) I came home, cleaned up a little, and got ready to see a movie with a friend. The friend bailed, but I decided that I still needed an escape, so I put on my "I'm just trying to chill so don't bother me" leggings and hoodie combo and headed to the movie theater. The plan was to see "Invisible Man", but I chickened out, so I shifted to “The Photograph". I've wanted to see this movie for a while, but not really. See, the trailer was absolutely beautiful, but Issa Rae’s character was too relatable; she was saying things that I would say! I told myself that I'd see it eventually, but solo, and well, there I was… solo dolo.
But this isn't a movie review. Long story, short, it was a beautiful film and I took a lot from it. I was right to wait to see it solo, but wrong to avoid it. Through my process I've discovered that I tend to avoid things that may evoke an emotion or bring back a memory that I may not be ready to deal with. Why? Past traumas, heartbreaks, and disappointments. It's like, the THOUGHT of feeling THAT feeling again is painful enough in itself, so we cancel the things that may take us back there.
Because who has the time right? I'm busy, I’m chillin, work is cool, the family is good, let's just keep it pushing right?
But if we keep avoiding the things that make us feel, do we ever truly heal? Is it possible to just let go and take that moment head on, regardless of what that particular emotion is? Isn't that kind of what life is all about?
I don't know. Well, I know now, but I just figured it out like an hour ago. Ha!
As I sat and watched "The Photograph", I went back to a place where I loved someone deeply. There were mixed emotions, but I let myself feel them all. It felt good to remember that feeling of loving someone in spite of myself and their flaws. It hurt to remember the feeling of a love lost. I was indifferent when remembering how it felt to want to fight for something but being afraid to lose. And, it kind of sucked to feel a little (more than a little) regretful that I wasn't as brave enough in certain situations and failed to say what I really wanted to say.
But here's the thing: I didn't avoid those emotions by avoiding the entire film (finally). I took it all in, received what was meant to be taken, and then I got in my car... felt some more feelings, and well, now here we are. And no, I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm perfectly fine now. Lies. But I'm better.
I'm better because I continue to shine a light on those dark areas that I hide from the world and myself, and I'm finally unpacking all of the clutter.
I'm feeling, dealing, and healing.
So, I say ALL of that to say...
Remember This Sis: Don't be afraid to be afraid. Allow yourself to feel every emotion and then DEAL with it accordingly. And give yourself grace, time, and love throughout YOUR process. I TRULY started this process when I turned thirty, and it took me two years to get to this point (I went the wrong way a few times and got lost in some alleys on the way lol). So be patient with yourself.